Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Brain Fog

Brain radiation is like staying up for 24 hours- I feel brain foggy.

It's like you've been cramming all night for a final and now its time to take the test and you walk into the classroom and you can see your teacher standing in front of you, but you're unintentionally looking past them because you're basically asleep with your eyes sagging and mouth wide open. Then no matter how hard you try to focus on the words on your test, they still look a little blurry. You can see them and read them, but they're just doing this mean blurry dance. That's brain radiation. Everything is in a mean blurry dance and I'm a sleep-deprived college student. Or something like that.

Because of the mean blurry dance, there's a delicate ratio of naps to activity that is to be maintained in order for me to feel like a living human. It's challenging to be active when you're brain foggy and tired, but definitely worth it. Yesterday it looked like walking up and down the street with an obstinate toddler. Today it looked like Mom and I organizing the clutter in the bedrooms.

Mentally and emotionally I am dealing with the balance of giving myself grace to get through these moments and deciding not to give up. There's a more developed post coming on this in the future because I think it is so important. I tend to give myself too much leeway to think and feel badly for myself when things are hard like they are now. There's an art to giving yourself grace for not being the normal you and getting the adequate rest you need, while at the same time actively persevering through the dangerous assault on your well-being to position yourself for victory. It's crucial, supreme, imperative. And it's difficult and delicate. This is where I find myself emotionally in this strange season- oscillating between the need for grace and rest and the need for fight and perseverance.

We had a phenomenal weekend of rest. The brain foggies weren't as bad on the days when I got a break from the radiation. Lots of time outside. Friends from here, friends from far. Family. Church. Relaxing. It was great. Super looking forward to another weekend break!

Prayers to persevere through the brain fog. All our love.

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